What Chayei Sarah Teaches Us About Clarity and Finding the Right Relationship
This week, we read Chayei Sarah. This parashah teaches us that life’s biggest decisions are best approached with a clear vision. In Chayei Sarah, Abraham acquires the Cave of Machpelah in Hebron as a burial site for Sarah and, later, himself. He also sends his servant off to find a wife for their son, Isaac. The servant prays for help recognizing Isaac’s future wife by asking for a sign: she will offer water to him and his camels. Within moments, Rebekah appears, fulfills the request, and the rest is history.
Chayei Sarah teaches us about the power of clarity when making life’s biggest decisions. Whether choosing a spouse, considering a career path, or contemplating a move, this parashah reminds us of the importance of knowing what we are looking for.
This got me thinking about the best advice I received when I was in the dating game: write down what you want. Both my partner and I did this not long before we met!
I often use list-making as a tool for personal growth. When it came to finding a partner, I realized I hadn’t been clear enough in my past relationships about the qualities I wanted in a partner, who I wanted to be in a relationship, or what I hoped to build and experience together. I caused myself tremendous anxiety trying to adjust to what didn’t feel right, and I likely caused pain for others by staying too long in the hope that I could somehow make the anxiety go away and manage to “fix” things. When I met my partner, who ticked all the boxes, I knew something was different because the voice in my head that constantly doubted previous relationships finally went radio silent.
My partner is a believer in the Law of Attraction. He practices putting himself into the emotional state of already having what he wants. He made a list of the qualities he was looking for in a partner and spent time imagining how he would feel in his ideal relationship. When we met at my friend’s hostel in Sri Lanka, he was refreshingly articulate about why he wanted to date me and why he thought we would be a great couple. Eventually, he showed me the list…it was eerie!
Abraham’s servant wasn’t looking for just anyone—he had a checklist of actions that would signify the right match for Isaac. Rabbi Dov Linzer notes in his conversation with Abigail Pogrebin in It Takes Two to Torah that these actions symbolized the qualities he sought in Isaac’s wife. When Rebekah fulfilled his checklist by offering water to the servant and to his camels, her kindness and caring set her apart as the ideal partner for Isaac. Similarly, when we get clear on our values and the kind of relationship we want to create, it becomes easier to recognize who fits into that vision and who doesn’t.
In today’s world of dating apps and endless choices, the vetting process becomes much easier once we’ve thought through what we want. Your job is to stay committed to your vision and trust that there are plenty of fish in the sea. You have to be ready to say no to those who are not meant for you and let them go find their people.
Inspired by Chayei Sarah, take some time to reflect on what you want in a relationship. Grab a journal and consider these prompts:
Who do you want to be while in a relationship? How do you want to show up as a partner–emotionally, spiritually, and practically? (Example: I want to be emotionally available. I want to feel comfortable being myself. I want to feel like an equal.)
What qualities do you need in your partner to align with your values and vision? (Example: Kindness, sense of humor, a love of travel.)
What dreams or goals do you want to build together? Picture the life you want to create as a couple. Example: Building a home, traveling full-time, raising a family, being powerhouses together.)
The more detailed, the better. Try to frame everything in the positive–-what you want rather than what you don’t want. Be brutally honest with yourself. Own what you want and push past any shame or self-consciousness you might feel. No one has to ever see this list.
GET CLEAR. That’s the lesson of Chayei Sarah. Just as Abraham’s servant set out with a clear vision, we, too, can craft an intentional life by aligning our actions with our aspirations. In Judaism, we are taught to be both dreamers and doers: to imagine the life we want and take active steps to bring it into being.
